Category: Jokes + 18


Baloon festival Mexico

Looked up into the beautiful blue sky…and saw this! 

Enough in here to upset everyone at least once – but had to send it:

 

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking “What products do I use for grooming?” She was a bit taken aback when I replied, “Facebook”.

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though – she’s crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I’ve called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

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News flashes:

1.              Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

2.      A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

3.      Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4.      I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

5.      The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night – to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”

Husband texts back: “Pour some luke warm water over it.”

Wife texts back: “Computer really buggered now.”

New seat belt design

Thought you should know that the book , 
” Understanding Women ” is now out in paperback .

Mmmmm

Mesage from PM

Dear people of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy,your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
David Cameron.

You L…. B….

 
 


BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR, SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE “WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU”
 
SHE SHOUTS BACK ” YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD !! “





A short bedtime story

Did you get it ?

Dear Andy